EUNICE'S ALMOST PARADISE BLOG ~ LOL.

Depression ... My Current Enemy

I can't take it anymore... dang, this depression is killing me! I feel so alone.. with no one to talk to.. I can't help but cry.. cry.. and cry.. I didn't get very plenty of sleep last night. My eyes were so red and sore from crying. My head ached like hell for several hours, leaving me awake all day, all night...

It's all his fault! He exchanged his time for me in just playing cards! He and his friends played Pusoy and Tong-It almost all day. Their game started 10am 'til 8:30pm! Non-stop what the heck. I was so sad and lonely the whole day. The clock stroked 6pm. I was freakin' missin' him 'cos we didn't get the chance to talk properly because of the card games. I mustered all the courage I can gather just to contact him, but to no avail, his phone was turned off. I was nervous and not feeling well all of a sudden. I wondered and wondered about why his phone was off.

"Could there be no signal bars?", "Could it be that he's playing basketball?", "Could it be that he's watching the championship?", "Could it be that something bad has happened to him?". Questions like those continued to linger in my mind for more than 3 hours. I even forgot to eat dinner...

I then suddenly thought of one thing-- to load up regular load so that I can call Ate Marissa's cellphone. I was successful. She answered the phone. I asked about Dayo's whereabouts but to no avail again, 'cos they don't know where he is. Instead, she told me several places, possibilities of Dayo's whereabouts. After we talked, I said "Sige salamat ate ha?" (thank you).
"Please tell him to call me up immediately when he gets home." She said "ok, you're welcome Yu." ...

So there, I waited again. I waited for one and a half hour. When the clock stroke 8:30pm, I tried contacting him again. His phone rang. I then figured out that he's still playing cards with his friends and cousins. He told me, "Ayaw kasi nila mag-ayawan eh. Pauwi na rin ako. Wait lang ha?" (I'll be coming home soon. Wait for me, okay?). I don't know why but all of a sudden, I was in the verge of crying-- again. I was so hurt.. he exchanged his time for his girlfriend with the cards. Dang..

After about 6 minutes, he texted me, "Call now". I didn't call him up immediately upon reading that text message. I only called him up after 15 minutes. So there, we talked. I told him how I feel.. I did not lie about my feelings. He just remained silent.. "I know it's my fault.."

I felt the urge to break up with him. I did, but deep inside my heart I know.. that I didn't mean it. It was obvious that he didn't want to let me go. But I insisted. He said, "I'm giving you time to think about your decision 'til tomorrow". I took a short nap.. for 30 minutes, I think. I couldn't resist him! What the heck.. I couldn't sleep anymore the moment I woke up so I called him up again. Upon answering the phone, I learned that Ate Marissa already gave birth to her baby girl. I was so shocked! I'm happy for her but at the same time, I'm sad.. and feel envious of her.. I don't know why.. Maybe it's because I love babies and kids.. (anong connect?)

After that, I slept. Not a nap anymore, but I still couldn't sleep well 'cos my eyes were sore from crying. I felt that my whole head was aching. I didn't sleep the whole night.. I was so worried of Dayo but I don't know why..

Morning came, we talked again. I hate him, yes but I love him.. We argued again. I cried straight for more than an hour, thinking about various things.. things that are real and hurts. Fortunately, I didn't get crazy.. I was almost suicidal. I kept telling myself "I want to die..." But I don't know if I should kill myself or not. He's cold to me. Why? Maybe because he thinks we're no longer in a relationship.

Til now, I'm still depressed.. waiting for his text.. I'm contacting him right now but there seems to be no signal bar.. I don't know anymore if I'm still doing the right thing.. I'm a muffin--- a muffin that's in love with him..

Labels: depressed, depression, lonely, sad, suicidal, suicide, tear

10:23 AM | 9/29/08 | 0 Comment